Want a laugh? Another one of my blunder’s in the public eye.

It was approaching the early hours of Friday afternoon, and I still had no plans for the evening. I then received an email from FilmHouse, an independent cinema on Lothian Road. At the Freshers Fair I had signed up to a FilmHouse club members card which entitled me to half price tickets. Brilliant, I thought, I will go to the cinema.

After perusing the listings and reading the descriptions of each film, I set off to catch a half past five showing of a horror film that had caught my eye – as the main film of the week, Tamara Drewe, didn’t exactly float my boat. I arrived at the FilmHouse, walked through the big doors and was suprised at the rather homely feel the place had.

I walked up to the counter to purchase my ticket, glanced up at the board for the listings, and my mind went blank. I could not remember the name of the film I was going to see. Two of the films started at half past five, the time I knew I was meant to be at the cinema for, so I took a shot on one of the names, as I recognised the title.

However – recognising the title isn’t such a shock when I read the descriptions of every film…

I entered the doors of cinema 1 and to my suprise it was near empty. I thought that was a bit suspicious for a film that looked remarkably good for a horror. It looked believeable, gripping, intense. Regardless, I took my seat in the comfortable, rose red suede chairs that lined the cinema and remarked on how it looked to all intents and purposes that I was going to see a play. The red curtain was draped in front of the screen.

As the curtains were pulled back (electronically – very cool!!) the adverts started. Three adverts in a row were French. I thought to myself  “oh blast, I have walked into the wrong film, I should have gone to see the other one.” The adverts went on and gradually became more English, leaving me happy that at least there would be English subtitles.

As the films title screen came on I noted that the film was an 18, yet in the description I vaguely remembered the film I was going to see was a 15. I passed it off thinking I must have remembered incorrectly.

The film picked up for the first two minutes, things looked promising. It was all in English.

Set in Tokyo, Japan, Enter The Void seemed a bit unusual due to the angles of the camera, but certainly better than the French film I had been expecting. At that point, I must have become too complacent about my film choice, because the storyline kicked in. One man lit a spliff. And then another. And so it ensued.

Special effects were everywhere with the creation of halucination scenes, where everything was a mass of colour. Great – the film was about drugs, a topic I have no interest in and would never go near in my life. I asked myself, could this night get any worse?

Why did I tempt fate? The main character got shot after ten minutes in an unrealistic way, then the story focused on his sister who was currently having sex in a very realistic way! The film spiralled down-hill from there and turned into a film about the brother and sister, both when they were alive, living with each other and touching each other very passionately for a brother and sister I must say.

One other thing I had failed to note was that this film was two hours twenty minutes long. Oh Joy! Admittedly, there was a three minute break from the drugs and sex fueled rampage. This was for the woman to have an abortion…once again naked on a doctors table.

Needless to say, this film left nothing to the imagination. Any form of sexual act was covered. And covered again just to make sure.

I was angry when I left, more at myself than anything else, for paying little over three pounds to  watch the worst film I have ever seen, all because I forgot the title of the one I wanted to see. The reason I remebered the name of Enter The Void is because I had highlighted it to myself as the one film on the list I didn’t want to go and watch…so me, in all my wisdom, did.

When I came home I discovered that whilst reading the FilmHouse timetable, I had received an email from Odeon with their film timetable. And it was at the Odeon where my film was playing.


3 Responses

  1. So much for my film review I had planned.

  2. you, sir, have a talent. And possibly a name for doing remarkably stupid yet entertaining things. I hope you didn’t take that the wrong way, because I really really enjoy your articles! Keep going like this and you’ll be a celebrity among your people 🙂

    • haha thanks eva I know I have a talent for it, but if it’s entertaining I will keep on posting! Noooo don’t worry about offending me or anything, I never get offended…and if I were to be offended by anyone it would be God for inflicting me with this curse hahaha.

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